20,Nov ’19|Musings about my therapy sessions.

I wish I could tell you that going to Chiromo lane for diagnosis and therapy helped. I wish I could tell you that after I was discharged I got better exponentially, that life for some strange reason looked better, that I smiled wherever I went to, that the demons didn’t come knocking again but baby, they did,i cried and I’ve had breakdowns too.

“How’s your heart today?”

Don’t ask me that if you aren’t ready for the truth cause it’ll crush you. A friend asked me that couple of days ago and I couldn’t quite put my hand on what was bothering me. I just felt disinterested, sleepy but not angry. I was having a breakdown. Again. For the umpteenth time. Trust me at this point we can’t even keep tabs on the number of breakdowns we’ve had.

Let’s head back to Chiromo lane, shall we?

I was admitted for a couple of days, saw a psychiatrist-before today I was scared of seeing a psychiatrist- she was amazing,honest and straight forward, but above all willing to help. Well before you get there, she can’t help you if you’re not honest. So first I was willing to get help and I did, though it didn’t change anything much it changed my focus in life. Showed me the important things and I learnt how to cope before getting into a ditch.

One thing she said striked me,

“…You’re a grown up, with an ability to make decisions, there is nothing much I can do to help but I would love for you to know that you’ve been shown how not to live, that doesn’t give you a right to kill yourself, It gives you the power to change the world...”

These words walk with me everyday. I’ve met people like me. Who are resilient to say the least. People who’s life story sounds like one of those sad movies but they still thrive. That in itself is a testimony. I’m a walking testimony, you are a walking truth,so how about you own it ?

Therapy may not always give you the answers you seek. If you’re waiting for me to tell you that bipolar or depression will just disappear in a day after seeing the therapist, then I’m sorry to burst your bubble. It won’t. Bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety and PTSD is my reality. I make it beautiful by being there for anyone like me and cheering on the fighters. What’s your reality ?

Therapy sessions are meant to educate us about what we’re going through but not heal. Healing largely depends on what you want. Living healthy keeps the demons locked away but you’ve got to keep a clean circle of friends too.. People who don’t trigger you unnecessarily.

I’m wishing you healing. Praying that you’re able to shift your focus onto things that will make you feel blessed.

What has trauma taught you about resilience?

17, Nov, 19

I often ask, what is the place of religion in my mental health?

I have friends. Being a mental health advocate, I’ve met people who for one reason or the other do not believe in the existence of God. Saying this just breaks my heart but most atheists are people who for one reason or the other haven’t felt the power of God in their lives.

I have something to say today. I’ll speak my truth. The one I try to hide but everytime my heart throbs within me to open up. So I will.

There was a time I was sinking deep in pain. I’d see everyone who’s hurt me in my mind, the pain fresh as the morning dew but somehow I couldn’t get myself to slit my wrists I walked numb of any feeling. Thebwind instead of being a relief under the scorching sun was more of a nuisnace. I lost friends, some whom I hoped would check up on me but never did.

The pain kept building up, words stuck at my throat anytime I’d open my mouth to speak. I was alone. My mind distraught at that point death still wasn’t the way out but it seemed like the only option you see. So I started plotting how I’d kill my soul. How I’d silence it forever…

The funny thing about suicide is. You really don’t want to die but you just want a beautiful life, but at the bottom of that deep dark hole, you can’t see the light.. You just can’t.

The night before, I remember writing a eulogy for my family. I wanted to be a guest at my own funeral.. Funny right? Deep down I didn’t want to do die. But I didn’t know what was the way out of the pain. I just wanted the pain to end and the best way I knew how was leaving. Just leaving.

There’s someone who said,

Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it passes it on to the next person.

Knowing all this still didn’t charge how I felt though,made me even more determined. So that night I had pills in my room, a glass of water and a Bible. Woke up at 1am. Rather, I sat waiting for everyone to fall asleep, then at one. I walked to my study table, my safe space for the longest time. I looked at what I had lying there and subconsciously picked up my Bible, knelt down and prayed and I remember crying so hard I forgot the pain I was feeling and I just felt the Lord speak to me. I heard that still small voice still crying.. But point is, I’m still here and my heart is thriving. I’ve had episodes where I think about death, but that’s all there is. Just a thought.

Your heart is a garden, water it, till it and let the flowers thrive.

This was said by a poet. And in the Bible,

The heart is your mind.

Guard your heart above all things for from it flow the issues of life

Your mind is,

Your system, if you’re a tech savvy.

Your stove, if you’re a chef.

And if you’re a writer like me, it’s your inspiration.

It’s that thing that you need to live healthy. To be happy and to love and change the world. Mental disorders orders stem from the mind and the Bible speaks about our minds admonishing us to guard it above all things.

Well, before you misinterpret me, what we mean is protecting your love and your morals. We don’t mean shutting people out. That’s closing off your heart from growth. Religion speaks about our minds. The Lord created us. He created our minds. The minds which are now plagued by mental disorders, He knew all about it from the start.

He who started the good work in you will see it to completion.

Don’t give up, keep striving. Look at the cross, there you’ll find the peace and healing you so yearn for.

Yours Truly,

Bee💚

16, Nov, ’19 |BROKEN CISTERNS

” Leaving home isn’t the answer, you have to heal first”

Everytime I’d hear her say those words, I’d writh in anger. This was my third therapy session with her and I wanted nothing more than to leave this hellhole dominated by ‘monsters’. I ran, I cried, I loved… But as you can tell none of that worked for me. In the book of Jeremiah, It says, ‘You have built yourself broken cisterns that hold no water.‘ That’s my mantra. When I’m using something else to numb the pain, I know it’s a broken cistern that’s gonna let the water out.

The only way out is in.

Unknown

I looked for love and validation from people I didn’t grow up with, there’s a famous quotation that says, “Better the devil you know than the angel you don’t know” Dysfunctional families, toxic relationships, traumatic experiences.. You name it. Someone around us is going through this probably with no idea how to heal through it. I’ll tell you my story. How getting in helped me figure my way out.

On the 16th day of June,’99 momma gave birth to a beautiful African princess. Okay back then I didn’t know I was going to take my African heritage so seriously,*chuckles*. Dad was happy, he named me after someone I still don’t know about but I love my name to bits. Apondi, that’s what my late granny used to call me, may her soul rest in peace.

Momma says i’ve always been a quiet child. Very little to say. Truth is, I’ve always spoken, only I speak to myself. I remember this particular incident in school, I was speaking to a friend then all of a sudden I get a flashback… One of those things we bury so deep. Yes I saw them fight and I started crying. Fun fact, I can cry next to you and you’ll not even notice. No one saw me cry. Life moved on. I graduated eight grade went on to high school. Here things got a little too rough. My mental disorder started kicking in unbeknownst to many, I was having major breakdowns affected my grades, but just once. After four years, I graduated and was called to one of the best universities in the city. It was a good day.

So, being a quiet girl, I never really had a connection with men. I would crush on a guy from a distance but one afternoon as I walked home from work, I met Dan, a pretty good-looking kamba guy. Just out of highschool. As we spoke for the first time, I noticed some chemistry though I didn’t wanna act on it. Couple of weeks later he invited me to his home. I took a million microseconds to talk myself out of this but I still went to see him.

Guess what happened though, he assaulted me. This was the beginning of a long long journey of healing. I’ve never been the same since. I find it hard to trust men. He’s actually not the last man who hurt me, just the first and it changed my world in ways I never imagined…

**to be continued

18,Oct. ’19 :Narcississm.

Yes. Narcississm./na-si-ci-zm/ that’s how you read it. The unseen monster within us, the one we didn’t choose to become victims of but somehow we are. I’ll break the big word down for you, don’t worry.

Suppose you’re in a room with a friend. Let’s call your friend John,

‘Hey buddy, can you get me a glass of water? ‘

‘Sure John.’

*You get him the glass of water but it slips and falls down*

‘This is all your fault Mike, you made the glass break! Look what you’ve done.’

Now this is what we call gaslighting. Narcissists are master gaslighters. I listen to stories of people living with narcissists,more importantly I listen to me.

I still remember how happy and beautiful my relationship with Pi was, we always, always met each other half way consequently we rarely had disagreements. Bit by bit my life slipped from my hands whenever I decided to meet him halfway.

I’d just started my blog but slowly, almost imperceptibly I lost the will to write. I just couldn’t write. Hey, before you say anything just listen. I wasn’t unhappy. Rather consumed. The relationship consumed me to a point I lost me, any healthy relationship respects your individuality. But everytime I wanted to be me, I risked losing us. Now this. This is manipulation.I’m not a psychologist but this is a red flag. The first one you’ll get from a ‘monster’. Fast forward to when we had our first fight and all of the problems we had were my fault. Never his fault. Apologies were rare . Love only near when I ‘met him halfway’. I loved him, I still do, these weren’t red flags for me. This was love.

I got drained. My mind was constantly in a maze, ‘Is this okay with Pi? I don’t want to make him angry’ What hurts me the most is none of my friends saw the red flags. I’d share the story and they’d urge me on with words like ‘it’ll get better, just hold on’ Along the way it got Increasingly hard. We eventually broke up. I was shattered left bleeding on rocky ground. I was on edge, starved myself for a month, contemplated suicide more than once that month. Why? I lost me. I lost my life in a relationship that was broken, I didn’t know where to start. Mostly because I’d invited a monster into my life. I’d given the devil the keys to mess me up and he did. Real good!

I met a narcissist. Loved a narcissist and dreamt of a life with him. This is the reality of people brought up by narcissistics. You almost can’t control it. It just happens but no one believes us. With comments from ‘Why can’t you just let him go? Why are you in a hurry to love? Look what you got yourself into’ I can count the number of times I’ve left a therapy room crying yet I walked in with a smile. It’s a cruel world. With narcissistics preying on the empathic souls. The world couldn’t get any worse now could it?

There is a streak of hope. That light that’s always at the end of the tunnel? Yes. It’s right at the end of my blog today. I left. I lived. The Lord’s strength was made manifest in my weakness. I’m not a victim anymore, I’m a survivor! A fighter! You know what I wanna do next? Fight the monsters with my small army of survivors. And my kindness, my kindness will never be a monsters doormat!

10 Aug ’19 “To inspire change”

I’ve met people who with respect to what they have undergone in life, would rather keep their story in between the sheets. Who would rather have their stories whispered than spoken.

My story. What I go through, is something I want to shout out to the entire world. I just want to speak and be heard. This of course is not something I grew up aware of, but in the long run you realize there are things bigger than what you go though. Love and respect remain at the top,regardless of what we go through. You may be sinking but one thing that’s gonna pull you up is love.

My love for humanity, for people who have gone through trauma, attempted suicide survivors, troubled childhood you name it. The love I have for these people pushes me to speak up and in turn I hope to inspire change and healing amongst us. Healing starts when you reach your hand to the next person.

Inspire change today by speaking up.

8,Oct ’19 Of love and friendship💙

3 years. That’s how long I’ve been in uni. Found love and lost it. Made friends and lost them too. Today, today has been all laughs because I spent them with a close friend, I call him Captain-not because he wants to be a pilot-because he’s that friend you can always count on. He does want to become a pilot when he grows up though.

Our story, I believe friends should have a story about how they met ;-), began when we were freshmen having an idea about what a math major would be like but we didn’t quite yet. Three years down the line and all I can say is. Wow. We’ve read of friendships in fairy tales but hey! Best friends do exist and they are here to stay🤗.

I don’t know about you but time isn’t a constant when it comes to relationships and friendships. It’s always changing. We’re either growing apart or together. I’ve read of broken marriages and thought to myself, “Were they friends first?” Are you friends with the love of your life? Can you talk about all there is under the sun and even above? ‘Cause friends love, forgive and listen. A wiseman once said that friends are the beauty of life and I couldn’t agree more!

Marry your best friend if you can, but if you can’t make sure they love of your life is your ride or die💙.

13, Oct ’19 “Love and life”

Another entry into my late night thoughts. I’m grateful to anyone who’s invest their time into reading my blogs. I’m not big on follows but big on impact. What’s the impact I’m having on your soul? Am I just another friend or am I that friend! The one you talk about with your home girls?

I’m writing this blog in honor of my friend Andy, Andy Kaihuri. First of all, *chuckles*,I don’t even know how to call him Andrew,but I digress. During my break up journey, journey because we learn more about ourselves than we’ve ever known in a while, he came into my life at a point when I couldn’t imagine loving anyone else and I had the biggest crush on him. Partly because he was cute and had sleepy but beautiful eyes like my ex, but mostly because he was amazing. Had the best sense of humor i’ve ever come across and was really kind💙. I’m forever indebted to you Andy for showing me how to love with a broken heart.

No man is an island.

Figuratively and literally so, we all have friends around us. Some we’ve had for years, others just for a few days. The impact they’ve had on us mostly depends on what point they came into our lives. Let’s be more intentional about building these friendships. Take your girl out on a date, go get ice cream or as in the millennial culture go get some ‘smokie pasua’ its barely a dent in your purse but you’ll have made memories no one will ever steal from you.

Here’s to more memories with friends and more intentional relationships 💙

4 Aug ’19; Late night thoughts

I don’t know why,but for some strange reason I can’t seem to fall asleep. My mind racing from one corner of the earth to another. By earth I mean, my tiny little world, that’s more like a play with my friends being the characters -no script by the way!

So I’m thinking about the past few months with its highs and lows and I’m visualising myself as though I’m a bag on a conveyor belt with highs and lows, potholes, muddy areas..and whatever phrase you use to describe life. But i digress,the lessons I’ve learnt in just a span of six months has had me thinking , “Isn’t it possible for someone to change once in every hour?” Let me explain;let’s say you’re as open minded as I am,one day you read about monogamy and you completely detest it but then you meet a friend and they share their story with you, wouldn’t you at least have a change of mind. Even a miniscule one?

So yes,I believe we are prone to grow after every minute only if we are open minded enough.

My story this evening is about deciding to settle at nineteen.

When I met him It didn’t seem like that big a deal. Cause at that time he was all I wanted. All I wanted to do was make him feel like the Prince he was in my life but I was more or less stagnated. I wasn’t growing, I understand that’s why many people are scared of settling, But just hear me out.

I’ve mentioned this story in a previous blog,So yes, we’d planned everything about our future kids,home,work,business and the what nots. But unfortunately we had to part ways. Its been five months now and I’ve grown! I feel like I’m five years older when its only been months.

While in the relationship, there was growth but not as much . I lost friends but made new ones- which still didn’t suffice for the lost ones. I learnt new recipes but forgot the titles of books I used to love. I stopped writing,which I’ve come to realise is a secret passion. The growth was intermittent and absolutely not aligned to what I love. Simply put, I lost my individuality. Which you can only imagine was very hard to recollect when we broke up.

I don’t necessarily regret settling so soon. I look back and say ‘Thank you’ because I was able to learn new things, I met new people ,learnt their ways and borrowed some of them. But in the long run I lost myself and I’m working so hard to get myself back. Reconnecting to my roots.

Settling down when you’re too young robs you of the opportunity to grow. Think of yourself as a budding flower that needs time to grow and discover what you want ,what colour you actually are before you get plucked. That’s how our youthful life is. One day you want blue,the next day you want red.

You can settle. You can get into a relationship at twenty. But always remember the importance of maintaining your individuality!

Take time to discover what makes you tick.

#growth

#self awareness

#Settling

11 July ’19; The defining decade.

You can be anything you want to be”

That’s the mantra that gets us going in our twenties right? But hold on a second.

I just turned twenty a little over two weeks ago and so far its been a tumultuous journey. So I decided to read a book about twenty year olds and how to make the most out of it. Now this is not a book review but I’ll be borrowing from it.

What do you think about your twenties? That’s our starting point. When I turned 20 the first thing I was told was ‘ these are gonna be the best years of your life‘ But I just didn’t get it at the time ,but wait till I opened the book I’m reading and I was just baffled!No one is going to tell you this but this is the defining decade its that time where you choose where you want to be by age thirty, this is when you choose your life partner. Yes! I know how controversial that sounds but now is when you have the time.

Life is pretty much about relationships.

Whoever we associate with determines what we are going to be in the next couple of years. Think about that partner who you’ll stay with for the rest of your life. You’ve got the time to choose now make haste slowly!The same precision you use when choosing a career , achieving a life goal is the same one you need when deciding your relationships.

**** ******* ******* **********

In case you need the book, its titled “The defining decade”

29,Mar ’19. “Musings of the caged bird singing of hope 💙”

I used to dream of a time when I’d be all grown up, making my own decisions in life.. And you know, just looking pretty. When I was eighteen, I met this guy,there was a spark from the first time we spoke. I remember sitting next to him during a lesson discussion in the morning and *chuckles* wasn’t I classy! I didn’t glance at his direction even once. But the next time we met his eyes spoke to me. I saw a spark. Got goosebumps all over my skin you know. Well we hit it off really nice, friends for a couple of months then he proposed asked me to be his empress. I wasn’t so elated actually, had been struggling with so much but he was patient with me. Understood me to a point nobody else had in a while, I genuinely loved him well, I still do.

I’m writing this today after I’d promised him I’d do an article for him months ago cause we broke up… Sometimes I wish I could have done better but a wise man once said.. There is so much you could do before, regrets never bear any fruit. It’s been a year now since we met. I loved having him around, we’d draw a life plan on how we wanted our family to be like. You know coming from a dysfunctional family.. I’d never dreamt of having one, but the thought if it just warmed my heart.. We’d name our children after him. Our boy would be called Jr and the girl.. Well we didn’t agree on it together.. But I’d call my little girl Nikita- honouring a friend I’d lost- We had it all figured out, the place We’d build our home, started saving up for our wedding and family home.My favourite musician would have said “…we got our champagne dreams in a world of doubt..” that’s what we wanted, our own little heaven down here filled with happiness and hope. We journeyed on. I’d never known walking with someone would be so amazingly perfect!…

We’re still on a journey,and every single choice counts but… I’ve always been so big on being a lone ranger and I’ve got to admit ,If you want to go far, team up with someone. Babe, if you’re reading this, ” Thank you for teaching me how to be confident in my own skin, for rekindling my hope in having children of my own I couldn’t have done it without you Maybe all we shared came to an end but you’ll forever be alive in my soul ,the candle will never go off. I love you

We grow up, evolve, experience life but the one thing that’s never in vain. Love.

#letterstomyex #hope #evolve