Arguably the hardest month in my life, well, that’s if we intentionally forgot about the time my close friend conned my laptop. Oh and that time i got raped by my “boyfriend” .
How can we forget about the two years in grade six and seven that i was beaten up everyday? For peeing in my bed. Peeing in bed is a classic symptom of anxiety in children.
The past one and a half years have been amazing. Lots of wins, i identified the source of my anxiety and depression, i become an advocate, for social justice and i am on my way to founding a safe space for children in abusive households. Especially in Africa.
I know the pain of not being listened to, or being asked to pray about it. I’ve made amazing friends and contacts, who are still friends. But hey, life is a ying yang. The losses have been there too. And most recently, i burried my relationship with my mom, which has been a constant source of pain and hurt, with depression and hopelessness sprouting out of the pain.
This time, i saw the storm coming. I could see the violence coming , i’d see the pain coming …
I went out to seek for help, but what did they all say? Pray about it. I get bouts of manic episodes everytime i think about the pain, i’m losing touch with my emotions because being in charge means i cannot spend a night in the house. Listening to my body, listening to my pulse, talkng to myself. What most people call meditation in the mental health circles. That, will ultimately push me out of toxic spaces. But, where would i go?
This month. It’s been hard. From battling suicudal ideations two minutes after a supposed therapy session, to deciding to launch a business and going back again. Back to losing friends, addictions i left a long time ago… Getting into a “relationship” in order to cope without losing it completely. Classic version of a broken Bee.
Hold fast to dreams, for without dreams. Life is like a broken winged bird
Dreams are what push me to wake up. A dream that one day, i’ll be in my own condo, possibly in New York or SA. Whatever works. That i’ll be there, happy. Waiting upon my Lord to come, writing stories and poetry. Praying. Living and loving life. I still don’t know what happens in my love life, i hope i’ll love the suprise though.
I deserve better. A better life. Better therapists. Better conditions to shine my bright personality in. I DESERVE BETTER. And so do you.
Keep waiting on the Lord. I’ll keep writing while i wait. Sipping my tea 😉